I can't help but ponder all the folks that come into the ER who, how can I say this, if they just had one once of common sense wouldn't be there. That's the nature of what we do, so we have no choice rather than to grin and bear it, to make fun of it, and to laugh at it.
I recap some of my entries onto the facebook page, "Emergency Rooms are for Emergencies"
What is the most nonemergent case you have ever seen?
My Pediatric Favorites:
1. "My baby won't stop crying"--noted in triage to be soundly sleeping (otherwise asymptomatic, no cough, no fever, etc.)...exam absolutely normal, eating sleeping, developmentally normal.
diagnosis: umm, well baby check (cross out), umm, fussy (cross out), umm infantile colick-resolved--yeah, that sounds good...
2. "Vomiting all day"--4 year old child now chowing now on chicken mcnuggets, eating doritos and drinking mountain dew from baby bottle, has torn up everything in the exam room (including all the exam gloves, which are now strewn all over the floor). Did I mention the child was also very obese for her age? Mom worried she will get "dehydrated" exclaims "the vomicking got more worser" (no typo here).
3. "Fever"--child afebrile in triage, acting fine..."how high was the fever?"....answer "he felt warm, I don't have a thermometer" (but I have plenty of money for cigarettes, custom manicure...o.k. I digress here)..."did you give him any tylenol?"...answer "no, I didn't have any"...(parent now noted to be getting irritated, taking keys out of designer handbag, mumbles something about this taking too long, medicaid card falls out of purse onto floor)--the room is torn up in the same way as the previous patient and the gloves are all over the floor next to the medicaid card, the floor sopping wet from child playing with gloves in sick trying to make water balloons. "do you have any free samples of tylenol?"...I refuse to answer...
4. Actual case recently "5 yr old bit by snake on foot". Child running around room on bit foot, raising hell, no limp, no acute distress..."did you see the snake?" I question...answer, "no, but I know it was a moccasin"...On exam with magnifying glass, can see no bite or swelling of any kind...child now acting irritated (I'm interfering with his mission to destroy the ER). Hmmm, what diagnosis should I put on my t sheet???
5. I see the 287th child with "a really bad cold". There's no such thing as just a "cold" in the ER, just "a really bad cold/cough". Child doesn't cough not one time in the ER...lungs are completely clear...a little drainage from the nose, afebrile, throat and ears clear, child playing. When I try to explain that they don't need an antibiotic, they glare at me as though I've just fallen off a giant fruit truck (they are now contemplating going straight to the ER in the next town, because I've obviously a doctor freak who doesn't know what she's doing). I take a much needed 5 minute break to eat an apple, orange, and banana (momentarily neglecting all the "emergencies waiting), and contemplating my conspiracy to stockpile all the antibiotics in the world and let everyone perish from their colds...anyway, when does that fruit truck arrive back here to take me home???
---Meanwhile, the ER is completely full, unable to accommodate the really sick person in the waiting room in DKA vomiting all over the floor---
If we don't laugh over all of this, we would surely go insane....
(pictured are me (the oldest), my sister Kelly, and brother Chris as kids. At that time in my life I naively believed the Emergency Room was actually for Emergencies)
