The Birth of "Self Development"

I haven't blogged on this site for about 4 years, as I have been distracted by my divorce and other things professionally.  I decided it was time to pursue my own personal development, as like many others, I would like to be more "authentic", and to pursue my own psyche into facing the reality of what I really dream of what would be the ideal for myself and those who share my life with me. 
On my way to work one day, I searched on my iphone for "free self-development podcasts" and came up with some recommended ones and started to listen.
I was captivated by a magnetic Steve Pavlina, who seemed very convincing in his podcasts from 2005-06, and listened intently on my 80 minute commute each day to work.  He talked about how he followed his dreams and became successful, happy, and healthy.  His wife was a contributor to the podcasts, talking about lucid dreaming (interesting topic) and some psychic stuff  (which was interesting but not too much into it honestly).  I had meant to go on his website/blog when I had the time, but I was preoccupied with other stuff, and quickly downloaded a couple of his books to my kindle, as I was going on a week long cruise to Alaska with my fiancé Shawn.  Of course the internet access on a cruise ship is very expensive and someone one can do without for a week (although it is tough...), but I read with interest most of one book and portions of the other with interest.  I was determined to try some of the techniques he had suggested when I got home.  I was determined to become a happier, healthier, more disciplined version of myself.  I would be easier to live with, have more energy, and be able to pursue my life purpose, which is promoting mind, body, and spirit medicine.  Of course the challenging part is that this is not nearly as lucrative as my job as an Emergency Doctor, so I'd have to keep my "day job" (well day and night job) and do the MBS medicine on the side.
I came home and resumed the chaotic reality of my life.  I was curious about what was going on with Steve Pavlina, and got on his website, stevepavlina.com and was in for a SHOCK!  He was still the self-proclaimed self help "guru" I had intently listened to previously, but now he had decided to get divorced and start promoting "open" relationships (i.e. sleeping with multiple people) under the cloud of personal growth.  I'm not that self-righteous of a person, and certainly have engaged in behaviors in my past that I'm not necessarily proud of, however, an indulgent life of this nature appeared to be a step WAY back for him.  It was contrary to all the previous principles he had taught about discipline and authenticity. 
I couldn't resist writing to him as there was a way to do so on his blog.  I was confused by his self-destructive behavior, as it is clearly physically and emotionally risky on many levels as I'm sure most people will agree.   I fully didn't expect him to respond, but he did immediately...twice.  The first time he accused my of not really knowing him and basically being ignorant.  I wrote back saying that I was a doctor and I considered myself to be a fairly intelligent person and I was concerned about him and didn't really understand why his life would take such a direction.  He wrote back again in a very snarky way, implying that most doctors he knew were very egotistical and cared only about the size of their houses and about themselves.  I wrote back basically telling him he was totally wrong (at least about me) and never heard back from him.  I included a cut and paste from his own website about how he handles criticism.  I never heard back from him. I guess I struck a nerve...
So as far as my own personal development is concerned, I am filled with more questions than answers.  I understand the self discipline philosophy etc., however, on the day after my cruise I had to unpack and get ready for work the next day, and I had full intention to make time to journal, to read, and to spend time really thinking about making a plan for handling my purpose and my future.  When having kids, however, and not being able to control others I quickly discovered this to be more challenging than I thought.  The babysitter had my car, and we went to go get the car at a predetermined time and place, but was texted at the last minute that she was running late, and then didn't answer texts or phone calls while we were out to get the car.  I was going to go grocery shopping while out (we live in the country, about 20 minutes from the store and where we were to meet her), so then I had to shop later and make a special trip.  Then one of the kids was ill, and just wanted to camp out on my lap and fall asleep while cartoons were on.  And that was my day...
So then I thought about it, and how selfish it would have been to put myself before my kids, who needed to be comforted when sick and needed food in the house to eat,
I could just ignore everyone and serve myself and my own needs, however, the reality is that I have children who depend on me, and a fiancé I love and who also deserves my time.  I have bills to pay.  The more I thought about Steve Pavlina and did research about him, the more I completely lost respect in him.  His ex-wife has full custody of both of his children, he blogs continuously in grave detail about sex and dominating women, and talks about how he needs several hours a day of "cuddling" with women (where to fit in spending time with his children I have no clue...)  He has gone off the deep end of midlife crisis and perversion and I felt more and more sorry for his children the more I read.  He only pictures beautiful young women who eat "raw food" on his blog and has a noncommittal "girlfriend" (who apparently likes to sleep with other men besides him).  I guess in a way I'm a little heartbroken that the influence and possible mentor I thought I'd found is that troubled as a person, but also the psychopathology about how he spiraled out of control as "insanely" interesting.  There have been some very vocal critics of him which has been fascinating.  Seems like he prefers superficial relationships with multiple people above the deep commitment (and I believe many rewards, both short and long term) of a monogamous marriage and investing in his own children to be a loving example of how a person should be.  I feel sorry for him.  I wonder where all those cuddly women will be when he is an old, dying man...Will his children forgive him?
I have concluded that I could read every self-help book every written and get tidbits from many, but indeed it is up to myself ultimately.  I can't rely on any one person, because so many of those who capitalize on this industry are indeed very troubled personally (and I thought I had problems...).  So I am a work in progress and the only thing I can figure is how writing a blog in an honest way is a great way for me to grow myself, even if no one reads it!  Maybe I will learn something myself and be able to help someone else in the process, which would be very gratifying.
We all need to laugh at ourselves.  Life is a very funny thing and so unpredictable.  I want to roll with it and teach others the same.  I want to feel good about my path and make others feel good about theirs...authentically!!

"Sick" Children in the ER

I can't help but ponder all the folks that come into the ER who, how can I say this, if they just had one once of common sense wouldn't be there. That's the nature of what we do, so we have no choice rather than to grin and bear it, to make fun of it, and to laugh at it.
I recap some of my entries onto the facebook page, "Emergency Rooms are for Emergencies"
What is the most nonemergent case you have ever seen?

My Pediatric Favorites:
1. "My baby won't stop crying"--noted in triage to be soundly sleeping (otherwise asymptomatic, no cough, no fever, etc.)...exam absolutely normal, eating sleeping, developmentally normal.
diagnosis: umm, well baby check (cross out), umm, fussy (cross out), umm infantile colick-resolved--yeah, that sounds good...
2. "Vomiting all day"--4 year old child now chowing now on chicken mcnuggets, eating doritos and drinking mountain dew from baby bottle, has torn up everything in the exam room (including all the exam gloves, which are now strewn all over the floor). Did I mention the child was also very obese for her age? Mom worried she will get "dehydrated" exclaims "the vomicking got more worser" (no typo here).
3. "Fever"--child afebrile in triage, acting fine..."how high was the fever?"....answer "he felt warm, I don't have a thermometer" (but I have plenty of money for cigarettes, custom manicure...o.k. I digress here)..."did you give him any tylenol?"...answer "no, I didn't have any"...(parent now noted to be getting irritated, taking keys out of designer handbag, mumbles something about this taking too long, medicaid card falls out of purse onto floor)--the room is torn up in the same way as the previous patient and the gloves are all over the floor next to the medicaid card, the floor sopping wet from child playing with gloves in sick trying to make water balloons. "do you have any free samples of tylenol?"...I refuse to answer...
4. Actual case recently "5 yr old bit by snake on foot". Child running around room on bit foot, raising hell, no limp, no acute distress..."did you see the snake?" I question...answer, "no, but I know it was a moccasin"...On exam with magnifying glass, can see no bite or swelling of any kind...child now acting irritated (I'm interfering with his mission to destroy the ER). Hmmm, what diagnosis should I put on my t sheet???
5. I see the 287th child with "a really bad cold". There's no such thing as just a "cold" in the ER, just "a really bad cold/cough". Child doesn't cough not one time in the ER...lungs are completely clear...a little drainage from the nose, afebrile, throat and ears clear, child playing. When I try to explain that they don't need an antibiotic, they glare at me as though I've just fallen off a giant fruit truck (they are now contemplating going straight to the ER in the next town, because I've obviously a doctor freak who doesn't know what she's doing). I take a much needed 5 minute break to eat an apple, orange, and banana (momentarily neglecting all the "emergencies waiting), and contemplating my conspiracy to stockpile all the antibiotics in the world and let everyone perish from their colds...anyway, when does that fruit truck arrive back here to take me home???
---Meanwhile, the ER is completely full, unable to accommodate the really sick person in the waiting room in DKA vomiting all over the floor---
If we don't laugh over all of this, we would surely go insane....

(pictured are me (the oldest), my sister Kelly, and brother Chris as kids. At that time in my life I naively believed the Emergency Room was actually for Emergencies)

Today my sister and I went SHOPPING!!!

We had a blast, only to have to return to unruly children at home, which hubby wasn't too happy with retrieving 4 of them at the sitter since we got home late.

Tomorrow night I'm back in the ER, feeling more refreshed than my last shift.

I can't imagine having endless hours to shop like I perceive some people do.

These are the kids, mine and my sister's when we went on Spring Break. It's hard to get all of them to smile....

The ER adventure while sick...

The fast-paced ER I work is always an adventure in one way or another, but one of the downsides of the job is that it is nearly impossible to find someone to work when you fall ill, particularly at the last minute (because the gastroenteritis comes on rather suddenly), let alone it's a Saturday night, crap...
In six and a half years of doing this, I've never called in, and it's not out of luck, but just the reality of things...one must work while sick. I've known other docs to walk around the ER with a perforated appendicitis with an IV pole attached (I wonder what the patients must think of that!!) just because we feel we have to be so stoic.
No such drama for me, just gastroenteritis this time, chills, body aches, headache (from the caffeine withdrawal partly, no doubt, since I was too nauseated to drink my usual 3 cups at the beginning of my night shift).
The parent with the sleeping afebrile child who "had a fever at home...he felt hot...I didn't have a thermometer though...why do I have to wait so long in this ER, the worst ER in the world because I had to wait..." is always a bit unnerving, but adding the GI bug, it takes on a new dimension. "But ma'am, there were 3 people I had to see first that had trouble breathing" doesn't seem to matter. Sometimes it really seems to me like people live their lives in a bubble, oblivious to what's going on around them, and that there might be actual emergencies in an emergency room (imagine that). And, oh yeah, I had to take a 5 minute break to throw up. OK, maybe I should omit saying that...
But the nurses and staff were amazingly empathetic, and perhaps the paleness of my face after returning from the doctor's lounge wasn't pitiful enough. I never expect a lot of empathy from anyone in the ER, because with all the screaming, moaning, and drug-seeking, we all become a bit low on fuel in the empathy department. Isn't our caring nature why we went into medicine in first place? Oh yeah, I must remind myself of this, even while ill.
The night didn't end up too terrible, no gunshot wounds or combative drunk drivers typical of the usual Saturday night, and my waves of nausea were disappearing by about 2 a.m., so then I was able to hold down some Motrin. The only bad thing was that when 7 a.m. rolled around, my relief didn't show. The nurses because worried because my replacement was almost always dependable and early, and there was some black ice outside, so they started thinking of the worst case scenario (can you blame them, considering where we work?), only to discover by the emergency scheduling person who phoned him that he had accidentally set "Alarm 2" on his clock instead of "Alarm 1". At 8:30 he apologetically walked in as I wrapped up the "emergency toothache for 1 week" in room 15 and headed home, only to be delayed behind a "wide load" taking up both sides of the 2 lane country road. I slept for almost 20 hours, thanks to my gracious husband who pitied me (and dreaded when he would catch the bug next), and I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly better.
Today I treated myself with a manicure/pedicure and lunch out with my mom and sister, which I hadn't done in a long time.

ER and MindBodySpirit Medicine Blog

I'm an ER Doc who longs for something more meaningful, thus the MBS connection.
I'm no as philosophical as my husband, although I do possess a lot of his sarcasm and humor.
The ER, in many ways, is like an island of wilderness.
Every day brings different challenges, but in many ways is surprisingly mundane.
Every once in a while, a memorable someone meets my aquaintaince and makes a lasting impression on me (and hopefully I might make one on them).
Such an encounter makes me very introspective about life, love, and relationships.
When I mention patients I will make every attempt to respect their privacy and not reveal too many details, certainly not mentioning their names, but welcome any comments.
After all, I am not just a robot provider, I am human mortal who occasionally make mistakes.